Bleak

Bleak

As I sit here again in the same old place
I watch time pass me by
Feeling so exhausted, but that’s nothing new
I’ve watched joy slowly die

The days pass slowly but the time moves fast
Each hour is one more fight
My fight to keep myself alive
To make it through the night

These last three years just seem so blurry
Like a nightmare refusing to fade
And I’m standing here trying to reach the sun
But still I’m stuck in the shade

I’m really tired of this same old battle
This battle that’s in my mind
I keep trying to find the light and the hope
But this pain has left me blind

And when the psychiatrist decides to asks me
How I feel today
Why do I refuse to spill all my thoughts
And instead say I’m ok?

Feels like I live from one session to another
Just hanging on day by day
Until every Wednesday, when he talks to me
And tells me it’ll go away

He’s tried to send me to hospital before
And maybe I should have gone
But I just wanted to see if I could make it alone
In my home where I belong

I guess maybe one day I’ll have to give in
And I’ll have to go to that place
But for now, whilst I struggle with this illness
I’ll wear my old brave face

I hoped so much that this year would be different
But it’s turning out the same
As last year, when I had my break down in February
And suffered with so much pain

People keep telling me to hang on in there
To fight and never give in
But half of them don’t know the pain that I feel
And the torture that’s grown within

And now when people say I’ll get better
All I can do is to cry
Because its not as if I’m giving in to these thoughts
All I do is to try

But trying just doesn’t seem nearly enough
For three years now I have tried
Every single thing that might help me pull through
But still every night I cried

He tells me that it will be a long time
Until I’m fit and well
God how do they expect me to stay here
When I’m living in absolute hell

I guess I've got to try and stay strong
Even though my body is weak
So until I break down, I’ll hang on here
Even though the future looks bleak

..so tired of this fight