Dirty Word

It’s a dirty word
or maybe i just think that
because they tell me it’s a dirty thought.

But i still think it.
I wonder if I could cure it all
by one quick action.
I wonder if I could heal it all
erase it all
bleed it all dry.

It’s dark and it’s deep
it’s a chasm widening before me
beckoning, and I’m tempted.
Bloody hell am i tempted.

But I step and I falter, and I draw back
fearful,
always fearful.
Of pain, of forevers,
of making someone cry,
but who would cry?
But the fear remains.
just in case, for some are too young to hate,
and some too young to know.

So I try to walk, in silence I scream
In silence i hurt, and I turn my face away from harsh lights, and harsher shadows.
and I cry in the dark, and i feel in the dark, and i walk alone,
afraid to trust, afraid to ask, and afraid to end it all.
I try to carry the load, but I stumble,
and once again the temptation calls me from the sidelines
and I turn,
and i watch,
and I pray for someone to come and call me from the game,
a reprieve, a sit out, an exit, anything.

And I wonder, again, if it would truly fix it all.
and I dream it, and I plan it, and I play it,
but I always forget the lines in that final moment, just before the curtain rises.
So I think it, and I turn away,
and walk away
one more time,
with that dirty word making dirty thoughts in my mind.