Again, your description is epic. You could easily close your eyes and find yourself thrumming to the narrator's beat.

Talk about intensity! (I'm not sure if thats what you were trying to create but thats the vibe that I got)
"A swivel of impatient foot
jettisons me into night,
stars pulsing above, around
to the jugular beat"
I love those lines, they create this shocking ryhtm tied in with imcredible definition hidden behind powerful lines and meaning. the message was worthy and well sent, it was beautifully and powerfully written with a state of impact. Well done