What Goes On Inside

I cant describe what goes on in my head
things I got to do, and things I should have said
my head is baffled with fear and pain
of losing another loved one, due to my confusing way
the stress and hurt that runs through my heart
the feeling of not knowing the point at which to start
how can I isolate what I fear inside
why do I back down and always try to hide
the feelings I have are plain as day
but there is so much of me that I cant seem to say
I don't understand why I act so cold
or why I joke so much of things I should have told
stories that I tell just to hide whats real
the fear of saying the truth of how I really feel
looking down on myself and bottling up the real me
not letting others know, what I can plainly see
they question the thought of who I really am
but for some reason I block em out, and wont answer them
the way I turn my eyes, and start to walk a stray
so many hands that have reached for me, the ones I pushed away
the guiding light I see until I close it out
cause the fear I have for myself and what I'm all about
the voices of my friends, family and all
calling and calling, but I always choose to fall
thinking that I wont land in the desperate land of hate
knowing that it makes no sense, trying to fend off fate
my heart is beginning to feel what i thought was never there
that I actually have a heart, but for some reason, i choose not to care.