Ecstasy

I hid my knife,
And found a razor.

The cold metal biting at my finger tips.
Agitation builds inside my stomach
Remembering the blood that spilled from the last cuts.

I count to twelve,
And hide it there.*

Numbly laying back on to my pillow,
The music plays in my ears.
I trace over my wrists,
Imagining the blood
Running down my arm.

My heartbeat grows louder,
Drowning out the music.
The once gentle thump.
Now a war drum.

Thinking about the reasons why I shouldn’t,
Only to be overcome by the reasons why I should.

I count to twelve,
And find it there.

Twirling the blade between my fingers,
Remembering the bliss that I knew would come.

I push the razor against my skin,
Hoping that would do.
Small specks of blood rise,
But not enough.

I drag the blade.
Pain washes over me
As blood flows out.

Ecstasy overcomes the pain,
Pulling the sharpness against my skin,
Filling the rift with crimson tears.
Etching into my skin
Lacerations.

Push away the blood,
Cut again
And again.
Repeating my corruption.

As emotion subsides,
I realize I can start over.
Start from the beginning
Again.

*this is more of an inside thing, but im talking about hiding the razor.