Dear Diary (Journal Entry March 29)

March 29, 2005 11:16 p.m.

...Wow, so I have been having serious issues lately, I don't know what to do, where to turn. Or who to head toward. I'm not just hating and despising my very self right now, not just because of what I have been feeling, but because I HATE people who piss and moan about every little thing that is wrong in their life. I think that it is quite frankly, (and i don't use this word lightly) retarded. And I have become on of those stupid, annoying people that i want to punch. *slaps face hard and yells BAKA RACHE!* so it's been thrown at you, suck it up and deal with it, life will eventually get better, besides to have highs, you have to have lows. That is a part of life. But somehow, that has not been the case with me lately.I mean, i used to feel that OK, but I have been giving in to the stupid "woe is me" routine, and I truly hate that. I never have been like this...and I think that the confusion I have been feeling has lead to the distaste I feel in myself because I am so out of character for how I normally act. I mean, I literally NEVER cry in front of people and I came to school sobbing today because Papa and I got in a HUGE fight. And since I hardly ever fight with anyone in my family, this came as quite a shock. It was almost like a slap in the face. I mean, i don't get out riding as much as i used to. So that means that writing is the only thing I have left. I want to freaking get over all of this. But I don't know how. I can't ask my parents to send me to a shrink because then they would start prying into my life, and while my parents are active in my life, they said that they respect me enough not to go through my sketches and binder full of everything i have ever written. I would pretty much die if they ever read anything that i have written. For example Journey to Dragon's Hollow...the whole gay situation, they would have me disowned just for that. They would start reading my poems and Journal entries (although my stories/poems go hand in hand with my journal entries.) And then, since they are smart ducks they would start to piece things together...*grimace at the result if they ever found out* so basically i have two people in my life that actually KNOW what is going on, like truly and really know what is going on, and I am grateful for that, but still, it's confusing as hell. And i don't like sitting here complaining to the stupid computer, but i am...And i hate it. But it's like i seriously just need to talk, but i don't want to talk to Courtney and Andrew anymore, i don't want to worry them. So basically that means then that I have to put on and act, which i am all against, but i can't let on that I am pissed off and confused, so I smile and joke and just generally mess around like I always do. But IT IS NOT ME! And, i am the type of person who is all like "always speak what is on your mind." you know how that goes. And now it's late, and i know that I'm not going to sleep anyway, but i might as well go stare at my ceiling until my alarm goes off at 6:00 just to "rest my eyes" *pukes at old lady saying* so yeah, that's basically what is going on, and now I'm going to go do French Homework, because i forgot to do it earlier, and i just remembered it.

*OK, this is an actual entry that i took straight out of my journal, so it's not as eloquent as how i normally try to sound, but i figure, who cares, this is how i was feeling...oh and just so people know I'm not going to go kill myself. I'm just stressed out! BAH. OK peace out! Love you all, Rae.*