Last Year

This time last year I remember so well
They were my darkest days
I was the master of destroying myself
Always finding yet new ways

I was drinking late into the night
Just to escape my pain
I spent so many hours walking…
Alone, drenched by the rain

Every night I’d sit and shake
Wishing the pain away
Sometimes I didn’t even know if
I’d awake the very next day

Popping pills, at first for thrills
Then later, attempts at death
I tried to end the daily nightmare
With every waking breath

And soon I found myself awake
All throughout the night
Cutting every single vein
Struggling with the fight

Eating became just one more chore
My body grew so weak
Three or four whole days would pass
With me unable to speak

At first just one attempt at death
Then two, then three, then four
Every day that I was awake
I was wanting to try more

Too many ambulance rides in the night
So many visits to a+e
My state of mind was an open book
For everyone to see

I’d scribble away in my little book
Plans to end it all
It felt like life meant nothing to me
And all I did was fall

My doctors grew so very concerned
That I was nearly sectioned
They thought a secure hospital would be
Best for my own protection

And I know those times were long ago
And I’ve come so far since then
But sometimes when it’s late at night
I reach for my book and pen

And although I’m better then I was
The end’s still not in sight
I keep wondering if I’ll always be
Struggling with this fight

At least I am still here today
Not lying, cold and dead
But even though the times have changed
The end still feels so far ahead...