Letter to a dead Father

Five years since you died and I am
better than I was when you were living.
The years have not been wasted.
I have heard the harsh voices
of desert birds who cannot sing.

Sometimes I touched the membrane
between violence and desire
and watched it vibrate.
I learned that a man
who travels in circles
never arrives at exactly the same place.

If you could see me now,
side-stepping triumph and disaster,

Still waiting for you to say "my son, my beloved son." If only you could see me now, you would know that I am stronger.

Death was the poorest subterfuge you ever managed, but it was permanent.
Do you see how that fathers
who cannot love their sons,
have sons who cannot love?
It was not your fault
and it was not mine.
I needed your love but recovered without it.
Now I no longer need anything.
-Richard Shelton

This poem never meant so much to me as it does now. God I hope someday she understands why I had to do what I did.