Nobody knows©

Nobody knows isn't really a poem, I just needed to vent off some major steam. If you read it, great, if not, that's great too. Thanks.
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Nobody knows
the true and real me
all they see is the outside
when I want to tear at my insides

Nobody knows
that I was raped at the young age of four
in a big field behind the old folks home by a bigger kid
he showed me his buddy
and told me that he would kill me if i told anybody, now that he is grown up and has family of his own and I wonder where he is at and if he is doing the same thing to his family?

Nobody knows
about all the fights
that my parents were in
they got so bad one night
that my sis, mom and I
were hiding under the basement stairs because my dad
was pucking the walls because my dad blamed my mom for having other men over while he was away. Try watching your father beat on a woman at the age of 16 and pregnant and blaming your mom for having a sexual relationship with this woman, in other wise, thinkin that my mom was a lesbian with this other woman. Try hearing that your father was beating up the new family pet that they had whenever it did something wrong and because he felt that my mom was spending more time with the dog and not him. See a common denominator there?

Nobody knows
about the incest from my older sibling from ages 8 to 15
and still to this day
he will want to have a peek at my upper or lower parts
and if I tell anybody
he will make me look like I am crazy and have my kids sent away from me-Nice eh?

Nobody knows
that I got picked on alot in school
from being called things for being tall, fat, and having glasses
weird combination eh?

Nobody knows
that I smoked a drug
when I was 15
I did it just one time because I was curious and I can\'t remember if it was marijuana or hash
The only thing that I have ever smoked was a cigarette and that is only once in a while, which my partner doesn\'t know, oh well, what he doesn\'t know can\'t hurt him

Nobody knows
that I was always second
in my family and friends
that I always got blamed for things
in my family and my parents will
tell all the stuff I did to their drinking buddies, there had to be beer in the house all the time, and they say that they are social drinkers and not alcoholics
I was never pretty enough for guys to stay with me, I can count seven guys that married the girl they dated after breaking up with me, so I always tell myself, it was definitely me the whole time, since my best friend at the time would always put out and not me

Nobody knows that I lost my virginity when I was 15 by getting so drunk at a cousin\'s house at a party that I not only slept with one guy but two, pretty bad when somebody tells you years down the road that you slept with two people and you only remember sleeping with one

Nobody knows that I cry alot about things that I am scared alot for me and the safety of my children that someone someday is going to take them away from me and it will be from my inability of being a great mom to them, that I try very hard to be like a supermom and I am failing very hard at that

Nobody knows that I find it hard to trust people because I am so worthless physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel how am I supposed to love my partner until death due us apart and love my children until the day I die and even after that when i don't love myself at all? Don't you think it would have anything to do with all the B.S. that has happened in my life?

Nobody knows that I am in love with two men, two completely different men
One is my partner, the other my best guy friend
The guy friend and I have dated twice before when we were both children, and have admitted that we both have feelings for one another still, but we know that we can't be together because of my partner and my children. We have kissed a few times before he left to go away but it was all me because I felt lonely because my partner works alot of hours with his job. I have to bury my feelings for my guy friend and remain his best friend and focus on my partner who is the love of my life and my children in which the sun rises and shines on them.

Nobody knows that lately
i am beginning to feel alot of hate toward people in my life
because they walk over me
and think that I am this dummy
that I don\'t see things like almost breaking my surround system not once but twice and stuff missing from my home and saying they don't know where it's at, I just wish that they would admit to what they are doing and leave my familie alone. I don't like her partner but she tells me all the time that she doesn't like mine.
There are certain people in my life that tell me how to spend my finances and raise my kids when these people don't even have children of their own and say that when they have children someday that their children will be perfect and not saucy like my children and my siblings' children are. Boy isn't they in for a HUGE surprise!
Anger and hurt aren\'t good

I do know this
that I need somebody to know
that this is how I feel and this is what happened, some of the really screwed up things, that I need somebody to talk to, so I can get better for me, so I can be a better mom to my family.