How Did I?

How did I become
Everything I never wanted to be?
This deadly monster
I see staring back at me
As I look into the mirror.

How did I fall so far
Where words will not heal?
Not even blood will do.

How did I manage
To get myself so dejected
That my tears
No longer fall?

How did I end up
What I promised my self
I would never be?

How did I think these thoughts
Of a death most wanted?
Of freedom from the world
From this pain that ceases to end.

How did I picture myself
Dead on the floor?
Puddles of blood along my skin.

How did I plan my death
And the reactions of my family?
Their tears and screams
Of loss and agony
When they find me cold
And lifeless
The morning after.

How did I see my cremation?
And more tears of my mother,
Who has been there for me
Forever and always,
As my flesh burns in the
Warm room of the funeral home.

How did I look down from above,
As I glide over my sobbing family
Leaving the crematory?

How did I imagine talking to my mother,
But only in spirit,
To tell her that the death was what I wanted?
And that she need not cry for me
And to “tell my friends that I love them
More than anything in the world”.
Telling her to go on,
To live her life without me
And know that I’m happier now
Than I was before.