Help from Above

by VampyraKi†   Apr 13, 2005


Hey please give me feed back comments i need help

Nothing breaks the chain
All the thoughts in my brain
The sadness I feel now
Makes me wonder just how

The knife just seemed alive
As if the death it’ll strive
More then others i hated it
I wish I threw it in a pit

The tears I had tried to fall
The black man jumped the wall
His voice warned me of my sin
His eyes told me of his grin

The boy laid there motionless
My head said it was hopeless
The man seemed pleased
As if he liked my evil deed

I tried so hard to end my life
But someone else grabbed the knife
His voice seem saddened
His hand wasn't hardened

I looked at Him with pain
My heart and soul was His gain
Repent dear child and be freed
He will end the pain of this deed

The Lord has all with Him
Do not fall off the dark rim
Bring the light where its gone
Father will help everyone

His voice told me I wasn't alone
And that God would be shone
To all those i tried
Even after i died

The knife fell to the ground
At last I had what I found
That He would help me if I fell
And never leave me so I tell

Do not fear and go a stray
He’ll come without delay

Well i wanted a diff poem thing the my others please comment on how to improve its

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Latest Comments

  • 18 years ago

    by Juls

    Other great work of yours. I think this one has alot of meaning in it and the flow of the poem so amazing. Your work gets my attenetion I like that about them. 5/5

    Juls

  • 19 years ago

    by Poetic Tragedy08

    Beautifully written! loved it! you got talent! i loved the idea, very creative!! 5/5

  • 19 years ago

    by Samantha

    Most of it is really good. However, some of your lines seem written only to rhyme with the last ones. Such as: "Do not fall off the dark rim" or "I wish I threw it in a pit"

    If you could find a different way to word those so it fit, or so the rhyme didn't seem forced, it would add so much to the poem. Sometimes you may have to rewrite the line before it...But it's all worth it in the end to have a truly superb poem.

    Otherwise, I really think this is a good poem. :)

  • 19 years ago

    by Jason Meres

    I'll e-mail you something as a comment.

  • 19 years ago

    by otto

    i really like how on some lines the line that flows compliment the line above and expands the thought-e.g the first two lines, and the fifth paragraph last two lines(His voice...His hand...) the conculsion I really liked, because there is hope in it, a lot of poems don't have hope in them,
    The flow was good, could touch it up abit, You paint a good picture, emotions were written, a little bit more of emotion- I say this because I like emotion in poem but overall this poem was good

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