Coping

I look around,
I feel it again,
Imaginary blood rivers,
Flooding out of each vain.
I shake myself,
I can resist,
I take my counselors advice,
I make a happy list.
I list the things that make me happy,
The things that make me smile,
The things that stop me hurting,
For just that little while.
Then I make the sad list,
And I don't even think,
But from a blank to a full page,
It's turned without one blink.
I realise just how horrible this world is,
And how I must appear,
Appear to everyone around me,
Everyone who ignores me when I'm near.
I know they've seen my scars,
And thought I was just insane,
And they don't know how much i regret doing it,
And how I'm filled with shame.
I hate the way I look,
And how concealer wont take them away,
I hate how I can't forget,
The blood I spilled that day.
I know they won't understand,
How I want to do it each night,
I know they'll be even more scared of me,
And figure I'm just not right.
Maybe I am crazy,
Or maybe I just see what's real,
And maybe I just don't talk anymore,
Because I can't explain how I feel.
So yes I am mute,
And yes I have feelings too,
And I also know you fear me,
But I fear everyone else plus you.

©Elle