Not As Much As A Second Glance

I know this poem is kind of confusing. But my feelings are mixed up, and It's a hard thing to explain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Went on a plane,
your never coming back,
Causing everyone so much pain,
Why did you leave us?

I never knew how much you meant in my life,
until you went away.
I'm ready to reach out for that knife,
Nothing more to look forward to.

Smashed my heart,
Pretended not to care,
But now that we are worlds apart,
I wish you could still be here.

I trusted you,
but you told everything,
and yet I wish this relationship we had between us could pursue,
I just want you to be here.

It's funny how I never cared,
Just mad at you for screwing up my life,
But I always wanted more, just I was scared.
I wanted another chance at our friendship.

But you went on that plane,
Didn't even take a look back,
Our relationship ended dark and black,
not even a friendship to miss.