Habit

I got a new habit
To replace the old
Of opening my skin
And watching the blood
Drip to the floor
And then spread through
The washcloth
But this new habit
Still might not be
What you want me to do

You told me to stop
Over and over again
So I set down the razor
For at least the time being
I'm not saying I quit
Because whenever I do
I pick up the blade again
And it's only been four days
It's much too soon to tell
If I will start up again

On my second day
Without the razor
I almost did it again
I picked up something else though
An old box opener
With a fairly dull blade
I sat there
Pushing it against my skin
Harder and harder
Until when I lifted it off
A thin line of red
Held the place where
The blade had been

I didn't cut though
It didn't break the skin
The blood stayed in my body
Waiting at the edge
For the moment it could escape
But that moment never came
So the blood moved on
And the line disappeared
But my knowledge
That this had the same effect
As the cutting did on me
I still held onto

The next day came
And I craved the knife
So again I took the dull blade
And pushed against my skin
Even harder this time
Relishing the pain
This time I liked it
The sting I felt
Telling me I'm alive
But that thin red line it left
Was what I really wanted
I watched it fade
The entire time entranced

I don't think
This is what
You were hoping for
When you told me to stop
Stop scarring my skin
But this is my new habit
For replacing the old
So tell me
When you asked me to stop
The cutting of my skin
Was this what you were hoping for?