My Defeated Suicide

I planned the day
Set the time
And said my last goodbyes.
Although you didn’t know it,
When I said, “I love you, goodbye”
I meant it for the rest of time.

Today is the day
I set myself free
I’m leaving this pain behind
Once and for all.

Sitting alone in my room
Bottles full of pills by my side
I write my letters
To each of my friends
Saying I’m sorry
But death was what I wanted.

A special letter
For my mother whom I love so much
Telling her to hold on
To love my brothers
And look after them for me.

I fold the letters,
Put them on the floor
Blow each a kiss
And grab the pills
Which I know so soon will end my life.

A gulp of water
And a handful of pills
Felling the lump of pharmacy
Slide down my throat.
More water
More pills.
Until the bottles are empty.

“Goodbye, world”
I mutter to myself
Taking one last look around my room.
As I lay down in my bed

Sleep washes over me
Like a gentle tide
Sweeping away my life.

Even in my sleep
I can feel myself pass
On to whatever afterlife is
Waiting for me

I’m finally free
Away from the hurt,
Pain and endless tears.

Leaving my body,
Cold and dead
I think of the things that I know I will miss.
My mom’s jokes at the dinner table,
And my brothers and their motorcycles.
The feeling I got,
When I looked into His eyes.
He was the last man I loved
I hope he knows it so
That I would have given anything
To help him through the life he had been dealt.

But I’m glad that I am gone
Rid of the pains the world had given me

Don’t cry for me
Or mourn my passing
Just understand
That I’m better off
Dead than alive.

My friends,
Don’t blame any one but me
For my death.
Don’t think you weren’t enough to stop me
You were.
It was I being to weak
To stop myself.

Dancing and prancing
Along in the sky,
Looking over the world
Which had made my cry.
This freedom I have
Is just what I wanted.
To be able to leave the world
And do what I pleased.

I fathomed my heaven,
Sleeping in the clouds,
Watching over my friends
As they made their way to school.
Keeping an eye out for them
Always on their side.
When suddenly I was pulled away from my flight
Pushed back into the body I thought I had left.

A sudden gasp of breath
Into these lungs I know so well.
And a peek through my closed eyes
Told me that I was alive again.

I thought my body was dead
But little did I know,
I was rushed to the hospital
Only a little while after the pills.

My family stood around
Tears streaking their faces
But one stood out.

My brother,
Who had been there for me
All my life.
Who had said, “I’ll always be you ass hole brother
But I’ll kick whoever’s arse is needed”
The brother that had made me laugh,
When I thought only tears would come.
The brother that held me
When times were at their worst.
The brother I had dared to leave
Was there at my side

I knew right then
That I would have something to live for.
My brother’s love
And memories we share
Are enough to keep me going
Even when there is no escape.