Suicide Note

I've had enough of my life
I've had enough of being blamed
For things I have not done
I've had enough of carrying the emotional burden
Of everyone but me
I feel like I've pushed away my soul
And taken on the identity of someone else
Someone who can cope with this pressure I feel like
I'm trying to push away my facade But by doing so I'm going to lose Everyone and everything I care about

They'll never know how much I cry
How much time I waste on believing things I know will never get better When I've got a reminder of all that pain I tried to convince mom She had people who cared about her Why is she not doing it for me I can't carry on living like this I'm the target for my families emotions When moms depression is bad I have to help her When he is there I have to shield myself from his remarks

Not only have I protected myself from him before I know he'll always be there to haunt me He physically and sexually abused me Now he mentally abuses me Using childish phrases Like your a tramp Also strong phrases that really hurt me Like I don't deserve to live I'm the tragic mistake of the past And no-one cares about me

I'm sick and tired of being trapped
In this prison of pain
Where everyone I believe to be friends
Bully me and reduce me to this
It's his fault I'm like this
If I hadn't had to learn to protect myself from him I could've learnt to make friends As he puts it I'm the child no-one wanted I'm the fool for thinking they cared

Everyone wonders why I'm this way
Well theres more you'll never know
my last wish is for everyone
Who I know and care about
To know I'm really sorry
For the pain I'm about to cause you all

© Mark Coates 2005