I Never Knew

I tried it so many times before,
but nothing let me pass through death’s door.
I had done the pills, even a loaded gun,
but none would let me see God’s only son.
I prayed each night to take me away from what I thought was hell,
only to be awaken in the morning from my alarm bell.
I hated what I that I was and I thought who would really care,
if I ended this life of despair.
It happened I cut, deeper then what I thought,
to the point I knew my guts would rot.
As I saw the rivers of scarlet before I closed my eyes,
I knew then I have taken my own demise.
My eyes saw the body on the floor dead,
and I felt a light peering at me from over head.
I rushed to it for I have finally come to this,
and I see heaven just ahead this I could not miss.
A dark shadowed formed by my side I think it came from the light,
and it spoke to me in a hallow voice saying I should had stayed in the fight.
I laughed and said this is what I wanted all along,
he turned to me and said you just did not think you were strong.
I floated upward and away from this menacing foe,
he grabbed me arms and told me I had to see this show.
I was pulled back and saw as my father broke down the door,
and I saw his tears and seen the hurt that grabbed his core.
He held me in his arms weeping all along,
and asking him self what the hell did he do was so wrong.
I felt pain that I never had sensed in my life,
and through all I witnessed I still could not escape the strife.
The paramedics got there and I saw as they tried so hard but it was in vane,
and as I walk through my mother I felt her unyielding pain.
My daughter what have you done, was I not there,
did you not know how we all cared.
The dark figure moved with me as we passed from time and space,
and suddenly I was out side in a cloudy place.
They were dressed in black all lined in a row,
all weeping and sobbing making me want to go.
My friends with flowers they through to the ground,
and I tried to speak out but they did not hear a sound.
I could only see the pain that resided in each and every face,
and I so wanted to be away from this place.
I begged to be gone from this sight and take me to where I must go,
and he spoke to me oh you still don’t know.
I shook my head and watched as we set out once again to a place unknown,
and to I saw my little sister now seemed so grown.
I saw her as the hurt that over came she like it did me,
and I saw the look in her eyes of her wanting to be free.
I cried out not her not this way,
oh what can I do to make her stay?
Your actions made a path that has only one way out,
but look maybe she will be stronger then you, please remain stout.
I gazed at her and wanting to undo all the pain that I done,
to just save her so that she may see the sun.
I watched as she took pill after pill with no remorse
and saw the visions of her life’s course.
The hospitals, the Shrinks made for her own life,
just because I could no longer deal with the strife.
The troubled relationships and my parents worried until they die,
only so they can confront me later and ask why.
Every action I made has its effect in every life,
and I wish I was shown this before I embedded that knife.
I still walk the earth a shadow of what I once used to be,
a little girl that was loved by my friends and family.

Written By
Robert Lee Niswander
Copyright 2005