For this kind of poem, it was way too long. I think you should shorten it, because basically you're just saying the same thing over and over again in different ways, which makes it boring. But don't worry, just keep writing,
Satuxxa

The was a sparkle of good work there towards the end. On the up scakle your work has improved on this alot I see alot of potential but like others as well as myself you need time and a chance to find your own style but you are on the right path keep writing...