XX This Is Me Xx

( i know that this poem is really long, but its everything im feeling right now. im really mixed up about a lot of things... and i guess i needed someone to talk to... but no one was there.)

Searching,
For what used to be,
Me…
The happy blonde girl,
Who loved to dance and twirl.
I’ve forgotten who that was,
And I’m finding who I am.
The girl who runs away when the doors start to slam.
Hidden away,
I cure my pain,
With blades, paper, and pen.
Until I’m OK again.
I’m not daddy’s little girl,
Or mommy’s favorite,
Anymore,
Cause I’m the one they choose to ignore.
So I found someone who cared.
But he’s not always there,
He loves me.
But he doesn’t understand,
What kind of a monster I really am.
He doesn’t see the scars,
Or the bruises on my arms,
Cause I hide those away.
Locked in my room day by day.
Is this denial?
Cause I can’t stop.
Don’t tell me I’m beautiful.
I know that I’m not.
If I was his princess,
He wouldn’t hate me.
Degrade me.
He’d understand what he’s made me;
Scarred, broken, lonely, and torn.
The blackened rose devoured in thorns.
I know I’m the f--- up.
You’ve said it before.
Don’t say it again.
Can’t take it anymore.
Just because I smile,
Doesn’t mean I’m not in pain.
Seems there’s nothing to lose,
And still nothing to gain.
And no one understands,
Because I guess they don’t know.
I’m too busy listening to other’s problems,
I don’t have time to let mine go.
Scars don’t fade,
Though hearts can slowly heal,
But his words cut me deeper,
Because those feelings were real.
High school sucks,
It’s a small town full of clones.
No one is unique,
Or has a mind of their own.
To wear black is a crime,
They don’t know me,
Yet the judge me,
Everyone’s too quick to label,
Cause their own lived must be unstable.
And I hate it.
So then, what the f--- are you?
Besides,
Useless lies,
You’re terrified,
Of existing on your own.
No one fits perfectly,
In the skin they’ve been sewn.
It makes me sick,
I’m so upset.
I want to give up,
But then, better yet…
I’ll just write it all down,
And burn up the paper.
Watch as the flames dance hypnotically,
The ashes, I’ll savor.
The real me,
Exists,
Only in places such as this.
Where I can compose,
Without hatred.
Without judgment.
Without scars.
Without pain, stress, or tears.
I can live in these words,
And hide away all my fears.