To Stephen

What have I done?
I hurt you so much.
I could hear the pain in your voice.
You spoke words of truth,
each one ripping my insides apart.
Like I swallowed glass and razors and it's slowly cutting...tearing me in two.
You looked at me with the coldest of stares.
When I met your eyes with mine
my body froze and shook with sadness and guilt.
I turned to ice.
I did this.
It's all my fault.
How could I accuse you then turn around and do the same?
So many thoughts in my head,
I wish they would all go away.
the guilt haunts me,
never ceasing.
In a catatonic state,
I'm a cold, hard, empty shell.
I've got no reason to live.
You were the only one for me.
But not anymore.
You left me.
And for a good reason to.
I *ucked up.
You'll never take me back.
It follows me everywhere,
day and night,
wherever I go...
Your accusing and painful eyes,
Your lips asking me "why?",
Your beautiful face that I betrayed,
Your body which I tore apart.
It follows me in my mind.
It haunts me in my thoughts.
I'll never let go.
I hate myself so much.
Why did I do it???
I never thought it would be me to make the relationship crumble...
I always thought it would be you if anything.
You acted so calm at first,
then everything fell apart.
You yelled,
You cursed.
You were filled with so much
anger
hate
hurt
pain...
all I could do was stand there
and accept my punishment.
Your words filled me with so much guilt and resentment.
I wanted to die...
I still do.
I just stood there looking at you
in all that I am.
You told me how you felt,
and that what I did was *ucked up.
I knew you were right.
I didn't say anything.
I feel bruised and battered.
I'm cold and empty without you.
as i said before...I'm a shell.
Without your trust and love
I have no need or desire for life.
I have no ambitions or dreams.
I want to drop dead and die.
after all, nobody would miss me.
Would you?
Probably not...
After what I did to you.
Everyone I see is a walking corpse.
Everyone I hear, their words don't make sense.
Everyone stares like I should just fade away...
I wouldn't mind that.
My thoughts
My emotions,
they don't matter to anyone.
Nobody cares.
I wish there was something I could do or say to have your
soft touch,
trusting words,
and loving look back with me.
I wish I could go back in time and change the single moment when I said "alright"
Then you would still be with me.
You are all that matters to me.
I *ucking need you to survive!
I'm so afraid of being alone,
There's nobody who cares enough to stop me from killing myself tonight.
Would you care if I stuck this blade through my heart?
Would you come to my lonely funeral?
Would you cry tears of sorrow at the sight of my broken body?
Would you miss all of our happiness and laughter?
Would you remember the times we spent looking in each other and saying "I love you"?
Would you?
Probably not...
after what I did to you.
I'm sorry.