My Blood on His Fist (Very angsty and based on true feelings).

by Wintersolstice   May 24, 2005


Stabbed with an icicle to tare me apart,
Fire held in my chest-flames at his wrist,
Lava and ice combine to torment my heart,
He can’t even see my blood on his fist.

I’ll sense his glow then drift along past,
Picking up courage for the next guilty glance,
Look into his eyes then away again fast,
My heart in its cage, my head in a trance.

Longing to touch the pale of his cheek,
Being kept back by human taboo,
Loathing the shadow grabbing his feet,
For it sees him more often than I do.

A throbbing poisonous echo in my hollow soul,
Causing a pulsing, burning, unquenchable ache,
Always there, playing its scorching and seething role,
Feel like im dying, how much more must I take?

Trapped within a barrier of winters chill,
Tied down by rasping ropes, can’t be cut loose,
Stuck here expecting my death, his kill,
Unless his autumn-eyes should offer a truce.

Sometimes I think it will make me insane,
He’s out of my league and has a girlfriend,
It hurts to see him but I long to be near him again,
It’s been so long but I’ll not quit till the end.

Wishing, hoping longing to live,
Holding hot coal, flames rasping my wrist,
Knife in the heart, which was all I could give,
He can’t even see my blood on his fist.

Copyright Mairi Mackenzie 2005

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    In the first line; I believe that TARE should be TEAR. The second line is confusing; the CHEST-FLAMES throws me off. Maybe try rewording it: FIRE HELD IN MY CHEST WHILE FLAMES BURN HIS WRIST. Using MY and HIS in the same sentence makes readers think you are talking about two separate people (unless you were talking about two people).

    “A throbbing poisonous echo in my hollow soul”; I think there are too many adjectives here; it overloads the readers concentration on the line.

    Other than a few spots I mentioned, I thought it was well written.

    Good job.

  • 16 years ago

    by Brittany C

    The emotion was great. I loved the wording including the rhyming. The flow was good. None of it seemed forced. This was a very deep poem. I gave it a 5/5. I saw nothing wrong with anything in this poem.

  • 17 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    Wow, this poem is amazing, it is excellently written, totally breathtaking. I like it from the beginning to the end, but my favorite stanza is:
    -
    I’ll sense his glow then drift along past,
    Picking up courage for the next guilty glance,
    Look into his eyes then away again fast,
    My heart in its cage, my head in a trance.-

    The flow is great, and the choice of words in it is superb.
    Truly amazing one, 5/5 from me.
    Keep up!

  • 17 years ago

    by Michelle18

    Great poem....it painted a picture in my mind.... and i like your choice of words...

    the flow was good and the rhyming was on point throughout it all.

    nice job.5/5

  • 18 years ago

    by AnnMarie

    Excellent! Really good flow and all!

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