You could try describing your feelings a in a little more detail, to try to give the poem a flow and a little more sentiment. Also by expanding on your work, you might find that it simply appeals to people better, by simply writing down statments such as that, your not so much as expressing a thought or anything but more of just a cleverly written statment which in my opinion is different. Sorry if this was a little harsh I'm only trying to give you ideas
Lindsay