The look that meant so much, when she saw my cuts.

A day out,
Happy people surrounded me.
I was different.
My fake smile.
My fake laughter.
My happiness all an act.

Seeping through my sleeve was blood from where I had cut,
Rich.
Red.
Blood.

I stopped.
I looked.
I froze.
I remembered who i was,
What I did -
What I do.

Down by a sink,
Taps on full power,
Full pressure,
Full volume.
Block out reality.
Scrub at my wrist.
Wash away blood.
Tend to my flesh.
Stare at the truth.

Shelter my arm.
Shelter my cuts.
Shelter my world.
Behind me a woman saw,
Saw what I was doing,
Saw the cuts upon my arm,
Saw the sadness in my eyes.

I saw the thoughts in her mind,
Thoughts of worry,
Thoughts of wonder.

I saw the look on her face,
The look of shock,
Look of hate,
Look of confusion,
Look of disappointment.

The look that pushed me down,
Made my face crumple,
My heart beat faster,
My eyes prick with tears,
My fist clench with rage.

The look that made me nothing,
Made me hate myself,
Hate my life,
Wonder how,
Wonder why.

The look that made me realise,
Realise I am stupid,
I am mad,
I am wrong,
I am strange,
I am a self harmer.

The look that hit me hard,
Made me stop,
Made me think,
Made me wonder,
Wonder what was she really thinking?

The look that pushed me down,
I did not deserve to live,
Deserve to smile,
Deserve to cry,
Deserve my life.

The look that lasted a second,
A second of emotions,
A second that lasted a million years,
A second I wont forget,
A second I cant forget.

That look that woman gave me,

A single look,

That meant so much. ©