What do you see?

When you look at me i wonder what do you see, a traitor a backstabber, a girl who's a wh***
someone to despise, a girl who secretly cries, hoping every night to have the strength to survive. shes just like everyone else, not that much difference, except that her burdens affect her in ways.
ways she cant even explain herself, just a girl with a knife, felling real low. she dreams of distortions, wishes and death, secretly going insane, living with herself. she cant find a way, to only feel better,boost her self-esteem and stop her abuse. she wont even hurt anybody, nobody but herself, she hides in her room, stares at the mirror, in disgust with herself. one day she shall end this, throw away all her pain, at times she feels happy, she blinks and everything goes back to the same.
she drinks and she smokes, even does cocaine, to try and feel better, to numb all her pain. she cant go on for for much more, the drugs are a habit, making her dirty and poor. wit no more money, not anybody to love, she crawls in the closet ready to end it all. she planned this for years, never told a soul, for they may have ruined the only thing she had to hold.
when you look at me how much hurt do your see? do you see the depression, the distortions, the tears. i doubt you do, how could any one tell? i hide my self perfectly, living in my own cell.