Can not eat .

I do not not know how it started
But I know what happened
i used to think " food gross"
food is bad for you
Mom knew nothing
she was never home
always gone so good for me
When she was around I had to eat
but that was only two days a week
I would eat, sit on the couch
think about what I just ate
nasty calories, sick so much fat
I would pinch my skin
Oh I want to be thin
i see those girls with the perfect bodies perfect skin I want one
I bet they can eat anything they want
I could not take it
I knew what I just ate
walk passed her
slow motion she looks at me I look at her
in my eyes does she see what I'm about to do ?
I get in the bathroom I lock the door
turn on the fan and the run the water
She wont hear me
I know she wont
I get on my knees bend over
and think " how much food will come up this time ?"
bringing two fingers to my mouth
I put them far back
My eyes water with tears
My face red
up comes the food ..
I'm not hungry I would say
I can't eat , food is bad ,makes you fat
flush it down
rinse out my mouth brush my teeth
I come out
"you where in there long" mom would say
"I felt sick" I would say
but really I had to pay for what I ate
you had no idea
Go to my room close the door
turn up the music and just lie they and think
I'm ugly fat ... I'm so gross
I eat to much
Three more pants sizes should be good
know one will know
the next day moms at work
" you going to eat April? " my sister would say
"I ate before you woke up" I lied
she say OK
doesn't even notice I lied to to her
I did not but i had to make something come up
I make my way to the bathroom
sick my two fingers down way far
and up it comes
as along as something comes up I' satisfied
but yet thats not enough
do it again more and more
until I\'m about to cry
days without food , untill mom comes home to sit with us at the table
and I have to eat that food
full of fat
Nasty .

~read, comment . This on true yet again , last year ~*April