Interesting.. ive been there before.. as for the content,.. i think darkness is way overused,.. maybe think of synonyms or different metaphors? i think it just takes away the quality to be reading the same word over and over again.. the same with other words that are repeated,.. repetition of words can work in your benefit, but in this case, the opposite happens.. also i dont usually mind lack of punctuation, but in this piece it hinders the ability to read it straight thru..

So I slowly slip below the world of conscientiousness
undetected by the occupants of that world

i think a further explanation of what u mean by conscientiousness world, and how it relates to the darkness would be a good addition,.. also, when you say "that world" the reader might have trouble discerning which world you actually mean.. ne way.. thats my 2 cents.. good job on this one altogether th0.. pZ out