Why do you do it? *story part 1*

I could not look at them, just kept my gaze to the floor. I knew if my eyes met theirs for just one second I would crack and they would see straight through me, they would see how weak I really was. I knew they were staring at me, I could feel their gaze burning into me, judging me, analyzing me. I would not look up; I would never look up at them.

“I do not understand why you do it; you have no need to, or even a reason to. Just explain to me, why?”

Still I looked down keeping my gaze firmly fixated on the floor. I started to clean the dirt from under my nails, and then bite the skin around them. I would do anything to distract myself from looking up, from what was happening around me.

“What do you have to be depressed about? You’re doing fine at school; you have great friends that care about you. You have a roof over your head, plenty of food, clothes; you can have whatever you want. For Christ sake there are people in third world countries starving, with no clean clothes, shelter or water! You are so lucky compared to them, you should be grateful. You have not had to cope with death or anything traumatic in your life. So tell me what do you have to be depressed about?”

“I don’t know” I murmured, still keeping my eyes on the floor. It was strange I had not ever noticed how textured my floor actually was, or how dirty it was either. Then again I had not exactly stared at my floor so intensely for this long before. There was silence, I became even more self conscience and aware of they’re gaze on me. I knew then I should not have said anything. I knew then they had switched around.

“Because you want attention. It is just all an act for people to pay you attention to you! Well that is what they are all going to think when they find out! Attention seeker! You are a failure too. Tell me the last exam or even piece of work you got a good mark on that people actually noticed and congratulated you on! You do nothing right, you are incapable to, all you can do is fail. Why can you not get anything right? Everyone else can, everyone else is doing fine. They all understand!”

I could feel a tear prick at the side of my eyes. I would not cry though, I would noy even wipe the tear away. I would not show them I’m weak, I would never give them that satisfaction.

“You wonder why you are alone. Look at you; just take one look at yourself in that mirror. You are a mess. Do you not care how you look, how people see you, what they think about you? They see you and think nothing special, just average, average hair, average face, average body, just average. You never make an effort. You do your hair the same everyday, you do not wear make-up your skin is awful and it would not kill you to loose some weight! Do you just not care what you look like, what people think of you one bit? Are you fine with being ugly?”

I tried to ignore them, to blank them out. I wished I was somewhere else, away from here, any where but here. My gaze was still firmly fixated on that one spot on the carpet. The place where I had accidentally burnt a patch of the carpet with my hairdryer.
“You know what they say about you do you not? You actually think they like you. You have found proof they go off places without you, they always leave you out. They lie to you; they do not care about you, or your feelings. Why do you think they make it so obvious what they are doing. They all talk about you behind your back. They think you are stupid and they will walk all over you! They will use you and you know what you will let them because that is how pathetic you are. To think you thought they were your friends. That is how friends treat other friends is it? No! It is just how they treat you! You are so desperate you will let them treat you badly. They do not care!”

Still I was silent. What was the point of talking they would not listen; they would carry on talking over the top of me. They did not want to hear what I had to say and did not care either. My point of view meant nothing. I was always wrong. I could feel my eyes yearning to look up. They were itching to look up and stare at all of them straight in the eyes, but they would see straight through me if I did that. I shut my eyes tightly, I would not open them and I would not look up. My head was still bowed so they would not see my face, my facial expressions, so they could not see how I reacted to what they were saying. I had nothing to focus on now, nothing but the darkness I had put myself in. There was silence again. I thought for a second that maybe they had gone…

“So explain to me why do you do it?”
“Attention seeker”
“Just tell me why!”
“Because you’re a failure!”