Why when cutting my wrists have I never once died

Even sat here in the darkness I never once cried,
Cutting my wrists I never once died,
Holding onto the memories I never once stepped back,
But I tried to learn the things which I lack,

Even sat here in the night I never once lied,
When in a relationship I never felt tied,
Holding onto something I love I never did it to fill a crack,
But I tried to learn the things which I lack,

Even when Heaven closed its doors I never once tried to break in,
When I done a good deed I never went to commit a sin,
Holding onto the hurt I never tried to prevent,
But I never pretended I was Heaven sent,

Even when Hell allowed me in I never once said I commit that sin,
When I was allowed to laugh I never said I'd let happiness in,
I can deal with holding back the tears,
But my heart is swollen with all my fears