X/s\X|||^*^NoTe FrOm A sUiCiDaL TeEn prt1^*^|||X/s\X

by Lucy   Jun 26, 2005


To the world and everyone else
this is my final note to say goodbye i love you but f**k you! this is how i felt, a failure, lonely, incomplete! my future i could not see or even want. my past hurt too much to even remember. with every test i failed i felt more of a failure then before, but nobody seemed to understand the pain it caused in my head. with every rejection my self confidence dropped, along with each snide comment made. i felt so alone even if i had people around me. in my head i was always alone.i could always see things in life that other people could not, i could read people and understand situations better then anyone else but nobody would listen to my warnings. i would never be heard did they not care? could people not hear my voice? it hurt me knowing so much and not being able to tell, that played a part in my suicide. i was so blunt telling the truth and telling lies, i was the biggest hypocrite i ever knew. in the end it is simply this i could not cope. i am sorry for everything i am and everything i did i was never good enough for this life. this is the part my head had to play in my suicide.

to my family, i thought you cared? but you were never there
you did not understand me, you never let me grow
you saw me as the little girl i used to be, not the girl I have turned into
i never understood why you called me sick and twisted
when you found out i cut myself
did you think that was the right thing to say
that was when i knew you did not know me in anyway
that was not what i wanted to hear, but made me feel even more like a failure
i hope now you can see
what part you played in my suicide

to my mother bless your heart
i do not think you knew what you were doing
I am sure you could tell you were annoying me, or were you too stupid to even see that?
the way you talked and never made sense, the way you were so stupid and never understood anything, the way you used that tone of voice that grated on my skin, the way you judged me before judging yourself. the way you treated me like i am you. just because we were both the youngest out of our siblings does not mean we think the same, we are different but you could not see that. these are the reasons i hate you mum, the way you degrade me and make me want to scream. the part you had to play in my suicide was the fact you would not listen to me, if i talked you would talk over the top or ignore me!

to my father how i love you dearly. you maybe the only one i can trust. i know we think a like and were always similar so it was a shame i still felt like i could not talk to you. maybe you were too busy or i did not want to bother you, but i want to tell you i will miss you the most. you had no part to play in my suicide but i will miss your hugs and our jokes.

to my brother how i hardly know you. i do not know what to say but thank you anyway. we had our fun times and i know you will always look out for me, the distant was there but i always felt like you were close. i am sorry i wont see what happens in your future but i enjoyed our past all together. you had no part to play in my suicide I am sorry we could not spend more time together is my only regret

to my sister this you should not know. for no one should be told this, but then again you were always hard on he inside so I am sure you will cope, but it was because of you my depression started! did you not think all those years you spent putting me down, how i acted, my looks, things i said would not have an effect on me?slowly you wore my confidence down left me broken in side. i thought i was someone ugly someone stupid just because i did not understand things as quickly as you did. i am sorry for being a disappointment but i hated you until you came back from Australia! that time you spent away you changed you came back nicer but i will never forgive you for treating me how you did and making me feel so depressed and lonely. the part you played in my suicide was you made me feel so empty inside and i was a disappointing failure.

to my other sister like another mother you were like. you looked out for me and did all the things mum never did. you were the one that betrayed me though and made me feel the worse when you found out i cut myself and told mum and dad. i would not talk to you because i knew what you thought. you called me sick and twisted along with mum and made me feel so guilty. i thought in you a sister i could confide but in you i found another enemy lie. i wish i could have talked to you more about my problems but i knew i could not trust you. the part you played in my suicide was you made me feel so guilty inside and like i had no one to talk to.

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