Beautiful to YOU

I wish you wouldn’t look
I wish you wouldn’t stare
What is wrong?
What is it this time?
Is it my face?
Is it my hair?
Do you have one bit of care?
Do I have just reason for this self-hate?
I wish I simply were not there nor here
For your eyes I cannot bear
Your beautiful stare
Shaded green rims the iris
Brightness inside this
Golden flecks mixed with hazelnut brown
Surrounding the darkness of the hole
The absence of color, it absorbs all

Your lovely face
Your beautiful hair
I wish I were there
By your side
My hand in yours
Yours in mine
I wish I were beautiful
Beautiful to YOU
To someone
Then I could stand you face to face
I could look you in the eyes
For longer than one brief moment
Not nearly enough to satisfy
I want to look you in the eyes
And not be embarrassed
I want you to be confident too
If only he knew

How do you see me?
Oh, I wish I knew
I wish it were, in fact, true
But I am not
I wish I were beautiful
So you’d notice me
But in a good way
Possibly
Could you ever see me that way?
I could barely bring myself to say “hey”
The other day
Much less your name

If I were beautiful
I’d want you to see me
But for now
I wish I could do more than look away
I feel your eyes on me
Or is it just imaginary?
Most likely
My mind playing trickery
If only I were beautiful
I’m certainly not beautiful
Otherwise wouldn’t someone say?
Someone outside the family
Oh, God, please tell me

I’m not beautiful
Definitely not today
So please won’t you not look at me?
Or one day
I just might break
In an un-fixable way
Don’t see me
And I’ll be okay
I may be okay
Just not today