No Longer The Real Me

Staring blankly into space,
My thoughts I can’t completely trace.
I try my hardest not to cry,
From these suicidal thoughts telling me I want to die.
I stare blankly ahead not looking at anything at all,
Afraid to blink for a second for the fear I might fall.
Fall into a deeper depression than I am already in,
Trying to convince myself that these thoughts are not a sin.
The unindescribableain I feel flowing into my heart,
So much pain that, to explain, I can’t even start.
I listen to the voices around me and inside my head,
But not even one of then can I comprehend what they’ve said
I’ve tried to overcome these overwhelming feelings inside,
Trying my hardest to keep myself from thinking about suicide.
Yet as I try, these thoughts come back once again,
To remind me of these suicidal thoughts and unbearable pain I’m in.
I need to cry so I can relieve all my stress,
But then I glance in the mirror and I’m once again a big mess.
This broken and shattered mirror of my hidden life,
Maybe my reflection can tell you why I used a knife.
A knife, a piece of glass, or even a blade,
All used on my wrist where these scars won’t seem to fade.
Every scar is here to remind me of my past,
Reminding me that my relationships will never last.
Or that there’s nothing here that I’ll ever gain,
From my f u c k e d up life filled with all this pain.
Nothing to explain anymore, I might as well just die,
So many unbearable feelings that I can no longer cry.
So in this moment leave me here to die in my misery,
Because I, no longer am exactly the real me.

~Madison Leigh~ June 23rd 2005