My Letter

I'm writing you this letter
I'm going to try to explain
to help you understand
why I feel all this misery and pain
never being truly loved
for just being me
people only seeing my mask
me acting like I'm worry-free
there have been so many lonely nights
in my hand you could find a knife
so many times I've put it up against my skin
deciding if I should end my life
so far I haven't actually succeed
with my attempts to die
so now I sit here writing
trying my hardest not to cry
so many times not wanting to live like this
trying so hard to pretend I'm OK
having my finger on the trigger
but you standing in my way
there were even times I had a rope
pressed tightly against my neck
wanting to end it all
because my life is suck a wreck
at times I would even hold a pill bottle
deciding how many I should take
putting them in my palm
thinking how many will make my life break
so many times I would wake up
broken and half-dead on my bedroom floor
having to try my hardest
to pick myself up again once more
so many days finding myself
not wanting to repair my broken heart
because in the end I know I would find myself here
once again just falling apart
each night I could find myself
sitting on my bed thinking about what you give
looking down at my beaten body
being disgusted at what I did
tired of the scars
tired of the reminders everywhere
I don't want the tears anymore
of wanting someone just to be there
just take a look at the wrinkled pages
that can be found in my diary
there you'll find poems
of everything to help you understand me
you have no idea how many times there are
that I have attempted suicide
waking up the next morning just to find myself
writing about how I wish I had died
so now I write you this letter
hoping that now you can understand somehow
even though I hate living my life like this
I'll stay alive for now...