nice one. keep up the good work.

~Manda

I vote on your's you vote on mine.

I loved this,.. your second i've read and i honestly am looking forward to more,.. your work is so vivid and flows so well.. i can relate to this, as ive had problems with the law. i always chose to run away from the consequences, my problems; metaphorically.. with drugs or literally, actually running away from the law... i havent been to prison, as im still legally a juvenile, but i have been "locked up" yet i still dont seem to learn.. goodjob,.. pZ out

This poem fails for me for two reasons.

Firstly the subject matter; a secret. We have no idea what the secret is remotely related to other than it is oxymoronic in nature. Now this works a lot of the time, but the piece is so long that I felt there was no pay off at the end.

Secondly this feels like a rough draft. There is some needless repetition when I already know you're smart enough to make each line individual.

When you give an idea a frame, the structure has to stand up throughout. There are areas where it feels like you start to wander because there is a word or rhyme you want to keep and are not willing to give it up for something that may fit the bill more adequately.

My challenge to you is to print this poem and read the whole piece out loud. Identify the areas that do not flow, feel forced or are just plain clunky and then re-write it.

I know you can turn this into something more substantial.

Bret