Empty

Those tears you saw
Were not meant for your eyes.
That night in your room,
I was not supposed to cry.

The pain I gave you,
You were not supposed to feel.
I am f u c k e d up
But you cannot know I am for real.

I am not meant to be your friend
Cause I will end up causing you pain.
These tears are not meant for you,
They are the cause of my strain.

I cannot answer you
When you ask What’s wrong?
The answer I want to give
Is complex and long.

The answer is the byproduct
Of everything I said,
But it seems the answer
Must go unread.

It’s the result of distance
And unwanted analyzations,
It’s the emptiness that comes
From awakening realizations.

It’s knowing I’m here
Stuck in my Nothing
When you are there
Enjoying my Everything.

It’s knowing I have to wait
For something I once had.
I can look, but never can I touch
Which initially makes me sad.

But now it’s the emptiness
That does not want to give way.
And feeling distraught
When I have said the words I needed to say.

Its pain I knew I would go through
Even before I stepped on that plane
Because I’ve done this before,
And I knew I would revisit the pain.

It’s telling myself its all my fault
Then believing that combination of words.
In my mind I'm screaming for recognition
And always thinking no one heard.

So I write this to you
To tell you it’s more than black and white
My life is the color of Monet’s gardens
And now my tears are contrite.