WHEN NOTHING MATTERED

I know it's long, but please read. I will greatly appreciate it.

When the smile on my face
did not seem real

When I felt so out of place
and I was the only one who saw the invisible tears
that no one could see in my face

When my mom murdered my self-esteem
and replaced it with disgrace
for I am nothing but a burden to her
she has yelled it to my face
and wished she had never brought me to this place

When I accomplished something
and she was never there
she simply doesn’t care

When I get in trouble
she is the first one to tell me how stupid I am
and for this, myself I condemn

When I tried to fly and received a slap in the face
crawling and crying back in the same place
always dreading and hating the future days

When I was blinded by pain and found no point
for I was running out of reasons to hold on
my life was slipping through my fingers
like grains of sand

When a part of me no longer cared
but the other part of me always held on

When I looked around to find no one
someone to save me from my life
because I swear I wanted to die
And I was so scared at this thought I wont lie

When the emptiness and hopelessness grew stronger
and the gloomy days seemed longer
as I cut away the pain
with a broken glass that was such a wonder
in my world nothing but rain and thunder

When I felt so alone
and the wish to live had abandoned me
I no longer wanted my life and I did not know what to do
I was not the same anymore
each day that I continued alive I died forever more

When the view through my eyes changed
and my future I saw bleak

When I felt like I couldn’t breath
and the knot in my throat got tighter
until I could no longer speak
as I sat in silence day by day
but for me this silence sounded so loud
that it woke up the voices in my head
the ones that followed me everywhere
and they whisper that I am better off dead

When I sat in class paying no attention
as my mind drifted away to a different dimension
a place called my reality
where my world was always stormy
and the sunniest of days always seemed dark

When I felt worthless, confused, lost, and lonely

When my soul was haunted and shattered
that’s when nothing mattered

8/6/2005