your rhyme was all over the place.. your imaginery didnt match what you were saying.. was as if you put it in because it "fit" better!!!
Didn't really get the hidden message either lo.. or it could just be me! good attempt anyway.. keep trying!
Kt xxxx

try not to rhyme the same words to much. and don't try to force the rhyming, try not to think about what your going to write..just write let the flow go and don't think about it..but other then that your poems are perfect, keep up the good work :)
always keep writting.
XO-Kit-OX