this poem is okay in my opinion. it is a bit too conversational, and there is a definite lack of poetic language and you don't seem to use many metaphors, although there is a simile here and there. overall, this poem is bent too much on getting across a message and doesn't have enough focus on the sorts of things that more commonly define poetry, such as meter, rhythm, symbolism, metaphor, etc.

Thanks but what I was trying to do was get my point across i have my own style of writing poetry, its probably not the right way, but thats just how I wrrite my poems, thanks for the comment!