For once in my life from within nothing but contradiction and pain reoccurring. It's a Wednesday night and all is done at work and so it begins to start and boil up in my soul.
Forever wondering what might have been, even if the situation comes and the right decisions were made, the fact of wondering is nothing but what I do all day long.
I think it must have something to do with my up bringing in life not that we had it difficult but the caring and loving we needed as children to grow. I look around wondering, what might, I have become if I truly had everything I wanted, but at the end I gave myself an answer, nothing but a spoiled brat.
I live my life as it's been given to me. Difficult and try the whole thing of understanding, I forgive and forget. Love and try to be loved. Speak my mind but hold back my hearts desires for they only get me excited and broken hearted. I'll understand why I'm doing this when I'm done writing it but my journey in getting there will be questioned by myself my mind and my soul. I am a Caucasian male who lives in South Africa current working position publisher, I advertise property in a newspaper that appears every Saturday morning, for all I've achieved I'm stuck in my life. I'm growing to quick for who and what I am, I broke my minds limit barrier long time ago and now it seems to much to handle.
Starting my journey at the age of eight, I realized I'm not the average kid, I was the best in my mind with everything: I could sing, dance, joke like a comedian and with a bit of practice and time I could do anything. I wasn't abducted by aliens nether where experiments performed on me. Steeling, killing those things are not part of who I am but back in the day if that was the way to go id be the pimp of all pimps.
This is to be the struggle of my life, single, depressed and not knowing where to go drives my mind to overdrive and kicks back with old habits. To much detail I've noticed keeps people from knowing the real me. The fact of the matter is when I decided to open up the world turn its deaf ear and no one is listening to my call for help. Should I react with haste or think it over. Friends are out having a blast, sad as can be at home my phone rings, friends asking me to join them in a night of having some fun. Reaction to-wards such, id rather be alone. It's a huge part of relieving my pain but some how I keep on rejecting it.
A phobia for people or just hiding my feelings well I guess they both are right and by doing so, over time this will fade as ink will fade on this paper, history is in the past and so should our mistakes be. Visiting another country might be an option to start over or just push me to the limit. I'll soon confess what it might be, to receive something is a true gift indeed….
Might all seem a bit sad but life isn't smooth sailing and the wind doesn't always blow in the right direction. Coming to my conclusion my answer is near, would it just be words when I say it was all about my longing for a touch, a touch I received eleven years back. A touch that made my knees weak, a touch I've never felt from another human. A touch from a humble life as I shed my tears of joy. I'll give in reveal my secret, by doing so I might be a fool for all you know you might be missing it to.
I'll give my mind a break and definitely break my heart when saying this to you, judge my words not my actions and know all of this was of a single touch of Jesus Christ.
