Tiny Pills

I know I shouldn’t, but I still swallow that tiny pill.
I do it to feel chill, to make my violent world stand still.
It’s the easiest almost legal way to get a thrill.
The thrill of the emptiness being filled.
I’m wrong, I know, I’m not that stupid,
Only stupid enough to want an easy way out of pain,
Pain that I have to keep in and restrain
So that no one will feel sorry for me,
Stare at me or care for me.
I want you to leave me so I won’t feel this way.
So I won’t feel like I’m disappointing you each and every day.
This is not how I planned to live my life,
It just kinda took me by surprise.
But the pills are what I need to survive.
They make me happy and relaxed,
Something that before I could never have.
I know which pills not to mix, and which one works best,
I know how much not to take, and what my stomach can digest.
See, I’m not stupid, just mislead,
All the wrong messages are what I was fed.
When the teacher was saying how not to take these,
They can make you feel high,
I sat in the back and always wondered why
They were feeding young kids this information.
So I sat there in deep contemplation.
I figured they wouldn’t kill you, just make you happy.
Now that I’m older and have had that temptation,
I can attest to the above statement and realization.
I am just playing the cards I was dealt,
But when push comes to shove, and life comes to death,
The truth of my life is I just need some help.