Thinking Of You

By bee

i cry in pain
i cry these tears
for myself
for they seem to comfort me
as you used to
they caress my skin
as you once did
they sting my eyes
with the bitterness of your death

and i know i should let go
but i can't
i stay
in my mind
trapping myself
in these memories of you
like an old film
i replay our life together
over and over

but i still
realize
you're not at my side
that you are these ashes in my hand
in my hands
i see your
blood
on my hands

and i stand frozen
with your blood on my hands
and i wish
and i pray
and i drop to my knees

it is my fault
your family morns

it is my fault
that you are gone

it is my hands
that are soiled with
your blood

i should have
told you i loved you
more often
i should have kissed you
more passionately
i should have
held you in my arms
in an embrace
that would never break

but i didn't
i never knew
that my love for you
hadn't been
enough
to keep you alive

and so i will face
these lonely summers
alone
and empty

and i will
shed these tears
and this crimson pain
for you
you who i could not save
you who
i can never hold again

and maybe
I
wasn't enough
maybe
MY
words wouldn't have mattered

but i'll never know
because it is ashes
i hold in these
bloody hands
ASHES

and you will never
know
what you meant to me
and how i cry
ever night

how i cry myself asleep
thinking of you

how i do not dream
thinking of you

how i no longer live
thinking of you

and how everything
seems
dead
cold
colorless
thinking of you