Pretending

I woke up this morning
with a sense of dread
my stomach churned
and i laid back down

an hour later
i felt the same
got out of bed
full of shame

i messed up
i know that now
i ruined things
don't tell me i didn't...

tears stung my eyes
why do i feel like this?
they fell down my cheeks
as i fell to my knees...

my body shook with sobs
and i didn't know what was wrong...
but how i felt...
i wasn't strong...

i couldn't fight
the wave of emotion..
i just wanted to give up
maybe i could?

no...
i can't...
i took a deep breath
&& wiped my eyes

i stood up
&& looked in the mirror
to see the image
that i dispise...

i left my room
pretending all the while...
that everything was fine...
that it would all be alright...

inside i knew it wasn't...
that things would only get worse
but that's not what they wanted to hear
they wanted to hear i was fine...

so i pretended
that i was
i pretended
that the tears never spilled...

i laughed and smiled
said my good mornings
i ate my breakfast
acting normal...

then i showered
&& i fell apart...
the tears cascaded down
&& i fell to the ground...

stop it..
i whispered..
or i think i did...
stop it...

i pulled myself up...
pretending to a pretend audience...
i'm fine i whispered...
just fine...

applause rang out
from my pretend audience...
they couldn't tell the difference...
i'd do just fine in front of real people...

out of the showed
"why are your eyes red?"
"oh..it's just shampoo"
"ok.."

part one..
i got away with it
my pretend audience applauded again...
let's see how many times i can use that excuse
before they don't believe it anymore...

i told them i was gonna go read
i turned on my music
curled up
&& cried...

i thought of the people i hurt..
the people i will hurt...
i thought of how i hurt myself...
i think too much...

"time to go!"
i quickly got dressed...
i left my room,
i was all smiles...

i laughed && talked with the rest...
they couldn't tell the difference...
but what they didn't know...
is that inside i was dead...