Completing Me

Something old

I'm finally brave enough to post this...

Yes, this is private. Only for me to see. Who knows, perhaps I'll show it to her one day. But for now this is to stop the tears from flowing, though I'm not quite sure it will work as well as I'm hoping. I'll start by stating a quote that I found on a banner a while back. "Is it possible to love someone so much, you live to hear them breathe ?" Because that's the way I'm feeling. In love; oh, so in love. When I talk to this girl, it's like my heart stops. I'm afraid to speak, in fear of sounding idiotic. I'm afraid to move, in fear of looking idiotic. Now, I'm usually not the type to try to impress people. But with her, it's different. Just a simple thought of her makes my heart burn with desire, makes my eyes burn with hot tears crawling to the surface, aching to break free. It hurts more, because now, I know how she feels. She loves me, this I know. But I'm afraid never in the way that I love her now. I'm at a loss of words, there are no words deep enough to describe my love for her. Call me crazy, but I think this is the furthest I've ever fallen. I dream about her, I think about her constantly. I cry over her. Yea, yea, yea. I'm only fifteen, too young to understand love, right ? NO - There is no other way to describe this feeling. It is not only desire, pining, lust. Yes, I want her, but even more so - I need her. I feel I need her to breathe, to merely walk a step forward. My lungs feel as if they will cave in at this moment. My heart feels as if it will burst from my chest, beating rapidly, high speed, non-stop. No, there aren't any tears. Only because they can't escape. This is a much too strong a feeling for tears. Yes, it hurts so much I can't cry. I stare blankly, waiting for the tears to come. But they don't, not knowing that they feel good to me. I'm shaking, I'm aching. OH NO - Soon I'll be breaking. Breaking more than I am now. I am talking to this girl now, acting as if nothing is wrong. Not thirty minutes ago were we talking about our feelings toward each other. She knows how much I love her, she knows how much I want to be with her. But does she know how much I need her ? Does she know how much I love to see her smile, how I wish to be the one causing the smiles ? My heart is breaking, it just can't take the pressure. But I need these feelings to keep my heart beating. Is it strange to enjoy the things that hurt you ? I hate it, I love it, I need it, I can't live without it. It's driving me mad, yet keeping me sane. Driving me into the ground, yet keeping me on my feet. Puncturing me severly, yet completing me completely.

My lonliness is overwhelming at this point. It's taking over all of me. Sometimes I wish I could spend a day in your shoes, just to feel how it feels to be beautiful. And I'm sick of the lying, so don't lie to me. Don't tell me I'm beautiful, because I can see in your eyes you don't believe it.