Lying To Myself

*I know this is long but please read!*
Lying To Myself

I don’t want to want you
And I don’t want to need you like I do
Believe me loving you isn't something that I wanted to choose
It just happened
At times I actually convince myself that I don’t love, need, or want you
But then I see your smile, I hear your voice, I feel your soft embrace, or I hear your laugh
And then its all over, I'm history
How could I love you or want you this much?
To me it’s a complete mystery
It's something I cant quite figure out
No matter how hard I've tried
And I cant drown these feelings for you no matter how many tears I've cried
Every night I go to bed saying I don’t love you
Every morning I wake up saying I do
I guess its because loving you is so forbidden
That I try to push away every loving feeling that I have for you besides friendship
And some days I actually convince myself that it worked
But then I realize that I'm only lying to myself and I feel like a jerk
I don’t know if I have convinced you that I'm over you
But part of me hopes that you see through me
And that you read between the lines of my letters
Because I'll never again admit that I love you more than a friend
I've tricked everyone around me except for Amanda that I'm over you
But the question that I have is have I tricked you too?
I don’t want to say that I've lied to you
But in a way I have
So that makes me feel like a complete jackass
For lying to a friend
But I swear I did it with the best of intentions
So I hope you can forgive me because I know you have always been so upfront and honest with me about how you feel
But I thought if I told you, I was over you
That maybe it would actually be true
That I could actually start letting go of you
If you thought that I already let go of you if that makes any sense at all
I also did it because I saw you so happy with someone else and it made me realize that I could never be her
I could never be the girl that makes you happy like that
But I wasn’t completely lying because I was so in love with Amanda I figured my feelings for you would eventually fade away
But no matter what I do these feelings wont fade
But that's okay
Because it feels so good to be able to love someone this much
And to know that it will feel 10 times more amazing when I can find someone who can return this kind of love to me
You'll always hold a special place in my heart
And to me you'll always be the one I let get away
But everything is cool because your still my best friend and your still a big part of my life
And you know what? I love having you right by my side
Even though its only as a friend, that’s more then good enough for me
But I was always told that none of us knows that the future may hold
So we never know what could happen a couple years down the road
But for now I'll keep pushing my feelings for you away so that I cant have what I don’t want
And I'll continue tricking myself and everyone around me
I'll go to bed every night saying I don’t love you
And continue to wake up every morning knowing in my heart that I do.

*Your comments would mean a lot to me. This is truly how i feel about my best friend i love her so damn much but we are completely forbidden from being together some people even say that we shouldnt even be friends. She means the world to me and she has stuck by me through everything and has always been right by my side. I love,need and want her so much that sometimes its so hard to take. And sometimes i just wish i could look her straight in the eyes and say "I love you" But i cant and thats why i wrote this poem*