I'm sure most of you are shocked to find that this event actually took place... But believe it. If you really knew me, you wouldn't be shocked at what you have found. If you are like most people, and decided that me suddenly not talking and being one of those kids who just stared out the window was "normal" then this note is all going to be news to you.
I hated life and everything about it. I felt empty, emotionless, unloved, and unwanted. I was never good enough for myself, my parents, the teachers, society, anybody. My own family, the family that shares my last name, was very judgmental. Being Christian had nothing to do with anything. (I'm not, they were. I don't believe in God, Heaven or Hell.) There was no comfort zone with any of them. I began to feel like everybody around me was judging me, and it soon became like that with everyone. I couldn't go anywhere without thinking that someone was judging me, and finding something wrong.
I was my worst enemy. I hated myself completely. I hated myself for how I looked, the grades I got, I blame myself for everything that goes wrong (my fault or not). I have no self esteem, and that was shown through my cutting, and my eating disorders. Yes, I did say I cut myself, and yes I did say that I had eating disorders. I would go a week and a half without anything but water, and then when I would eat, I would hate myself so much that I would go puke it up. Then after that, I would feel like such a failure I would go cut myself. I cut myself for many reasons, usually it was because I was disappointed in myself.
My parents didn't make it easier either. Yes, mom and dad, you guys are part of this too. Don't be so shocked. Mom: You didn't listen when I had things to say. You've proven this many times. I would bring up something I talked about a lot (Mrs. Kokot) and you wouldn't remember me telling you anything about her, but then you remember everything Marissa tells you about her least favorite teacher. Dad: I know you're proud of Marissa, but rubbing in the fact that she plays sports doesn't help me. I'm sorry I'm not a "Sporty Person". I just don't see why it's such a big deal. Krista even at one point told me that I don't have a life, because I don't play sports. I feel like I can't measure up to my sisters' who have proven to be my parents' favorites.
I lied when I said there were no problems at home. I didn't feel loved at home. Nobody told me I was loved. The only people to tell me they love me were my friends. And as you can see, I didn't believe them. Someone said to me "I believe in you." And I about cried. I couldn't believe that someone would actually have faith in a lost cause. I was so close to tears after they told me they would risk their own life for mine. I guess I never grasped the concept that people actually care about me. I guess I still haven't.
Some people noticed something was wrong... They would ask if I was okay, but I always lied and said yes. I faked my smiles, I faked my laughter... I faked everything. I wore makeup to make myself look like a different person, I tried to change my clothes and my appearance as much as possible so I didn't remind me of myself... I hated looking into mirrors or having pictures taken of me. It was proof that I was living. Proof that I can live even when I'm dead on the inside.
I guess now you all know that I felt empty and alone, despite the fact that I had loving friends who would have probably done anything in the world to stop me from doing what I have done now. I really don't think there was any help for me. I think this was something I had to solve on my own, and I didn't know how to, so I took the easy way out. I was denied help, and so this is how I end it all. This is how I solve things. I end them with the easiest solution.
Suicide has been lurking on my mind for I don't know how long. In case anybody noticed, I was depressed. It slowly started after grandma and grandpa died. I felt that I had lost the only two people that really cared about me, and from there my life tumbled downward. I tried to deal with the fact that they were gone, but the truth is that I still cried about them, and I still didn't fully grasp onto the fact that they were gone. I never did.
Please don't any of you blame yourselves for any of this. I took the easy way out, and I've wanted to do this for a long time. I'm sorry that things ended up like this, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have done the world good anyways, so I guess I'm doing everybody a favor here. I would say I loved you all, but I'm not quite sure I really know what love feels like...
