Nightmare

The nightmares...
So much worse now with age,
You would think it fades...
It doesn't,
Never will.

I only sleep when I have to,
When I can't stand my eyes being open any longer and my body won't take it,
I'm terrified of what comes in my sleep
Sounds childish...
But it is the most real experience,
It's like someone else was there and filmed everything,
And for their pleasure show you it,
Again and again,
Until you die.

And that's where the answers lie it would seem,
In death peace reins supreme,
No one can hurt you,
No one can remind you of your failings
And most importantly
The nightmares end

Nightmares are what broke me
This fateful night
They led to my destruction.
For months no new cuts
No sign of my pain
I no longer wore my pain on my arm
I held it inside
I kept it all for myself
My arms remained scarred but healed for so long

When I woke tonight,
It was so quick
I almost heard the snap in my mind,
Of my patience,
Of my sanity,
And of my heart.

I searched for a blade and too soon I found one
A sharpener blade,
It's amazing how your mind ticks when you panic.

I couldn't breathe,
Don't think I would have moved had I not needed the blade,
I could think of nothing but the pain I felt
The complete and total agony.

Knowing what I was doing and
Not caring in the slightest.
I don't give a sh*t about anything.
It can last hours at a time
The longer it is the more blood I see,
The more pain I release
The more I need to hide.

I don't want to hide it though,
I want someone to see
To see the physical version of my hearts pain
It hurts so much even these words seem puerile
There are no words for this hurt.
There are scars you could never see,
In my mind
I did this so you can see on my body what there is in my mind
A metaphoric preview it seems.

I ask too much
I want too much
I need too much

I wont show anyone,
I know that much
I couldn't pass on this hurt.
I know how it feels to see your friend bleed
And I know what will happen.
It's not worth it
Life isn't worth it.

But as for tomorrow...
I will smile as I always do,
I will laugh like they think I should,
I will pretend.
It's the only way I know how to survive.
I will live through someone elses eyes...