I still remember the joy of it all
Cutting the skin so smoothly
The pain from the release
The crimson red against pale skin
Then contrasting more with the white tile floor
It was pure ecstasy
I still remember the anger of it all
Slamming the door in worried faces
Saying it was their fault
And taking it out on myself
Ramming into the wall
Beating myself up
Not stopping until exhaustion
It was pure hatred
I still remember the calm of it all
Taking the collar or belt to my throat
Tightening it ever so slowly
Waiting for the blackness to come
Let it take over my vision
Steal my mind of thoughts
And lift me away from myself
It was pure relaxation
I remember the fear of it all
After the blood had stopped coming
After the bruises had stopped forming
After the reality had come back
The thought of exposure
Everybody finding out my secrets
It was pure suspense
A life cannot be lived
While on so much adrenaline
Something always gives
And all too often
It all caves in
At the same time
