Cuts

Hiding all my pain and confusion,
Behind laughs and smiles.
But really I am searching for a solution,
To get me through this darkness.
I don't understand why I feel this way,
And I suddenly feel I am losing control.
Scared and confused I cut my wrist,
To feel relaxed and in control again.
Always wondering what will happen next,
Always hoping I will get better.
Will I ever really hurt myself or even take my life?
Is that what I really want?
In my thoughts I jump off the edge,
Falling down and down.
In real life will I catch hold of a ledge?
Or will I fall until I hit the bottom?
In my thoughts I see deep cuts,
Made by knives and razors.
Will I ever really vut that deep?
And watch as my own blood surrounds me?