My intricate ladder of despair

Once again I find myself,
Placing a shaky foot on the stair
Of my one true addiction;
My intricate ladder of despair.

Habits I thought I had left behind,
Come back to haunt me.
I find myself lost, confused,
And longing to be free.

It's been a long time,
But the evidence still exists.
And it feels like yesterday,
I last took my fix.

The feeling of relief,
Mingled with despair.
And the storm still destroys,
Without a care.

I can't go on,
I never could,
I'll do all I can,
But not what I should.

I'm so confused
But now I'll go
And the bloody remnants
Is all that shows.