No words

No words to use when I think of the things that I did when I was in my teens I smile and try and not cry or laugh out loud in between my breaths.
I sometimes smile and sometimes hide my face. I want to stop time and watch me fly I want to take that bottle out of my hand and not take that drag.
I don't want to be annoying and loud but quiet, calm. I want to keep my virginity and make my self spit out all those meds. And hold my mom back from taking me to the hospital.
Pat my self on the back when no one else would, wipe my own tears, hold down all my fears.
Tell my self to breath and punch my sisters boyfriend in the face.
Take my sisters unborn child to the better place, hand him to God with no words.