This Girls Story: Dear Diary

Dear Diary,
Today I finally let it all go
I let all my emotions show;
...the pain I've held inside so long
...the helplessness that's grown so strong
...the fear of everything good--going, disappearing--gone
...the worthlessness I seem to exude to everyone.
I couldn't keep it in anymore, to fester in my gut
I was beginning to push the door to my heart shut
And then I broke, and everything came pouring out
And now I cry these endless tears and unanswered shouts.

Dear Diary,
Today wasn't any better than the last
All the memories are rushing back from my once forgotten past.
And there's these ugly tears streaming down my cheeks
All they do is leave me utterly, totally weak.
And all I seem to do is sit and cry
I've lost the will to push on: to try.

Dear Diary,
The past few nights I've cried myself to sleep
I'm pushing everything good out of my life
And with every shove this wound grows more deep.
To think it's because of my fear of losing everything I care for
...I'm giving up, dearest friend, and I wish I could stop
But, I don't know how, I want to hold on, I want to be more.
But I'm so confused, I can't make myself stop.
It's an addiction, one that saves me from getting hurt.
I need help, please teach me how to hold on.

Dear Diary,
I can't feel anymore, I've become so numb
Sometimes I still let the tears fall and my senses hum
But, for now, I've just blocked everything out
It's the more pain free, hurt free route,
...there's no more pain to hold inside
...this helplessness I just let consume me
...and everything good is gone--has disappeared--died
...and I've accepted my worthlessness, drowning in this sea.
All I can say is I got hurt, I felt pain-I tried.
I've built up these walls to protect me; to hide.

Dear Diary,
Please help me; this is my silent plea
I cant go on like this, carrying my fears everywhere with me.
This future I've made, I can't accept, I chose to pull the wrong lever.
This is the only way I know how to ask for help
Otherwise I'm afraid I'll leave--this place, these people--forever
---I am so sorry for pushing everything good away
I let my fears eclipse the sun threatening to brighten each day.
I gave up on everything, everyone I care for
And now my heart breaks with this undeniable regret
I've abandoned those who were there, who weren't afraid of my life--the gore.
It was between my life and theirs, what a terrible bet
I gave up on me and in the process on them too.
It was a bet I took, my mistake, and now my eternal regret.